Forget Churchill, roast dinners and the NHS – I believe that what makes Britain truly great is our proud history of hosting dire rip-off family events.
This week has seen a true all-timer emerge. Social media has been ablaze with regular updates about the Willy Wonka spectacular in Glasgow last week.
It certainly was spectacular: AI-generated adverts with nonsense wording sold parents an impossibly magical image of what they could expect, with one dodgy poster promising ‘encherining entertainment’, ‘catgacating’, and – perhaps most memorably – ‘a pasadise of sweet teats’.
But when the families arrived at the Box Hub warehouse in Whiteinch for Willy’s Chocolate Experience, having paid £35 for each ticket, there were no sweet teats to be seen. Instead, they were confronted with a sparse, bleak landscape punctuated by plastic models of mushrooms and gummy bears.
House of Illuminati, the bizarrely-named company behind the event, has said ticket-buyers will receive a refund, and Metro.co.uk sincerely hopes the money comes through swiftly. But in the meantime, it’s not wrong to enjoy it.
Willy’s Chocolate Experience innovated the genre of disappointing family events in a couple of important ways.
First was the use of AI, a technology that only really came into its own less than a year and a half ago. Illuminati boss Billy Coull appears to have not only used it in his adverts for the event, but also in the script he gave his actors. It presumably saved a lot of time and money which may or may not have been reinvested into the event.
Secondly, and most importantly, it didn’t take place at Christmas.
For years, the festive period has been the time for operators of dire family events to fully flourish. There’s something about the season that induces certain people to try and pull off the most over-the-top moneymaking schemes possible. Here are some of the greatest hits.
Lapland New Forest
The tradition stems back at least as far as November 2008, when brothers Victor and Henry Mears ran a Lapland-themed attraction in the New Forest.
According to BBC News, the judge at their criminal trial (yes, criminal trial) said: ‘You told consumers that it would light up those who most loved Christmas. You said you would go through the magical tunnel of light coming out in a winter wonderland.
‘What you actually provided was something that looked like an averagely-managed summer car boot sale.’
Both men were sentenced to 13 months in prison after being found guilty of eight charges of misleading the public.
The Magical Journey
In 2014, Changing Rooms star Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen was criticised for his role in designing The Magical Journey, a Christmas experience near Sutton Coldfield in Birmingham which had to close for improvements when customers complained about Santa handing out unwrapped cheap plastic toys after a 40-minute queue.
One four-year-old was reportedly given a baby’s rattle by one of five Father Christmases at the event, after parents paid up to £50 for tickets on the opening day.
Reviews improved when it reopened a few days later, but the attraction still had to close nine days before Christmas when a key financial back dropped out.
Winter Wonderland NI
Skipping forward a few years to 2017 and journeying across the Irish Sea, we arrive at the gravelly spectacle of Winter Wonderland NI.
Based at the Clandeboye estate in County Down, the event had all the hallmarks of a classic: eye-watering ticket prices, grey skies, and a Santa with a ‘sour demeanour’.
One disappointed parent, who had paid £55 for a family of five, said in a review: ‘Despite booking to see Mr Claus at 16:20, you could spend the day there watching elf, polar express (wonder if they had the licence) ice skating (on a sheet of plastic made slippy by …… throwing bleach on it every now and again!)
‘Luckily, despite arriving at 3 in order to take part in these exciting activities (the inflatable pub was deflating) we were sent immediately to queue outside in the 4 degrees to see Santa!’
Bolton Winter Weekend
Bolton Winter Weekend in 2018 produced one of the most indelible images from these sorts of events: a group of children huddled together inside a giant snow globe that deflated while they were playing in it.
The promised ice rink didn’t involve any ice at all, but was ‘just plastic tiles and a guy putting down soap’, according to one parent.
Tragic images show kids still wearing ice skates as they try to glide across the surface of the slippy plastic.
Another reviewer wrote on Facebook: ‘Did anyone see the “magical winter lane” highlighted on the map? It turned out to be a line of 5 small white trees on small podiums… what a joke!
‘Felt more Christmassy on my walk around B&M bargains. Bar the grotto, which we didn’t see, there’s nothing in the theme of Christmas or winter at all!’
Enchanted Balgone
This East Lothian event from 2022 reassured enthusiasts that the heyday of disappointing winter wonderlands is far from over.
A spray-painted sign pointing people towards ‘activities’ looked like something Wile E Coyote had come up with to lure Road Runner into an enormous cage.
But the true highlight came in the form of a mannequin without any hands dressed up in a Santa outfit, standing proudly on a crumpled sheet of fake snow.
If children wanted to meet a real-life Santa, their parents would have to fork out an extra £15.
Alongside Willy’s Chocolate Experience, it solidified Scotland’s reputation as the modern-day king of underwhelming family events. Eat your heart out, Fyre Festival!
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MORE : Sorry kids, it’s time to scrap the six-week summer holiday
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